Is my head is spinning….or is it the world around me? Where is time going? Suddenly I have two teenagers…that in itself is a hard pill to swallow. Everything is going great, better then great! How could I be so lucky? Is it luck or is it fate? I guess the answer to that question depends on who you are and how you view life.
As I sit here on the back deck full of anxiety, thinking about my last crazy week, I can’t help but wonder, Why me? (Dear God! that list is endless!) Why am I full of anxiety you may be asking….? I am 5 days away from my “cancerversary”. Yes, It is a word! With being so close to the day, I can’t help but feel the anxiety that I had leading up to the surgery. Also I am sitting here waiting for my latest test results. Ticktock Ticktock…. Don’t ever get possibly life altering test done on a Friday! It’s like waiting extra long to go to the Principal’s office to see if you are in trouble. Ugh! What most people don’t know is that my last test was June 2nd. With 0-35 being normal mine had risen 10 points to 26. Now, to take any possible “drama queen” out of this, I would could have a count of 1000 and still be ok. If only the CA125 test was as accurate as an EPT pregnancy test the world would be a better place. Line =’s cancer….no line =’s your good! Seems simple, but nope! So…as I wait for the results of this test knowing that I am nearly 9pts from tipping the scale my head starts to race. I start thinking about what was, what is and what could be. Let me break that one down:
What I thought was a good life was in fact that. Good job, great kids, family, home blah blah blah. It was good because I had no idea what great could be. It was good because I was always busy doing things I loved with people that I loved or should I say people that I thought loved me.
What was once a good time, isn’t now.
What was once long beautiful hair, isn’t now.
What was once a best friend, isn’t now.
What was once the best job ever, isn’t now.
What was once my dreams, isn’t now.
What was once my weight, isn’t now.SHIT!
What was once my outlook on life, isn’t now.
What was once my temper, isn’t now.THANK GOD!
So many “what once was”….and that is just to name a few.
What is, is a fresh new outlook
What is, is bigger and better dreams
What is, is my super fresh fohawk!
What is, is my new chill attitude (Close your mouth and you can hear so much more)
What is, is a shitty dating life. #truth
What is, is owning my own business
What is, is connecting with friends that “get it”
What is, is letting go of the past
What is, is believing I can do anything I attempt
Too many amazing “what is” to even list them all down.
What Could Be:
My next CA125 #’s being higher
This one scares the shit out of me! It’s really hard to explain how I have felt this past week. My emotions and stress were high.
I felt as if there were signs all around me. I had this overwhelming fear that something was wrong. I don’t know if you believe that we all have a inner spirit that talks to us but I sure do. I believe God sends messages and/or signs. Honestly, when I get this worked up inside like this…something always seems to happens. Sometimes it is exactly what I thought and sometimes it is something completely different. I spent the better part of 2 days crying when I was alone. What is it…? What was about to happen…? Is everything going so well just so I can be prepared for the next struggle? Why did I have that damn test done on a Friday!!!!! NEVER AGAIN!
Listening to your inner spirit (if you stay quiet long enough to hear it) can not only cause you anxiety but can also give you peace. I am happy to say that the stress over my numbers was misplaced, I got my results and my numbers held right where they were. YEA!(Follow up in 3 months). Was I crazy…? Was I just making shit up in my head this time and psyching myself out…? Haha, NOPE! I, in fact, had good reason to feel anxious. I have come to realize that the biggest stressers in life are cancer and freaking dudes. I swear, guys are just like cancer sometimes….if you let the wrong one infect you, it could kill you. That may be a little dramatic but I think that you understand what I am saying. (Dudes = the other silent killer) WHAT HAPPENED? You may be asking…..NOTHING thank God! Nothing more then wanting to believe that a guy could have some potential. He liked me…I liked him…oh wait! He apparently had other interest as well. (been there, done that, played the game…never again) The signs where there but I was to wrapped up in the numbers coming back that I totally didn’t see what was in front of me. (but hey, that’s why we date….to weed out the douch bags). There is nothing more liberating then realizing what a “sack of cancer” a guy is and being able to pick up your clutch and walk away without looking back. Bye-Felicia!!!!
I could write all day about this topic but I’ll save that for another blog. As for now….it’s time to celebrate!!!! Today September 3rd is my 2 year mark….2 years ago today I went in for my simple surgery and came out a different person. I want to celebrate life….My new life….! I have said it before, cancer in some crazy way blessed my life. It gave me things and people that I never would have had otherwise. Those people would have never happened had it not been for cancer, nor the lessons I’ve learned. I have learned how to give more of myself, love more, listen better and I have an ernest desire to be a better person, not only for myself but for everyone else.
Cheers to hitting the 2 year mark!!!